something like laughter

so i've recieved many mixed responses when people learn that i'm no longer in school.
the most extreme one way occured on mother's day. the other extreme was today.

extreme 1:
was at my parent's church for mother's day. i don't like it there, and they know this, so they only ask me to go for special occasions, and i'm a good son, so i do.
so i was talking to this guy that i kinda know. well, i know his name and we've played discgolf once or twice. whatever. he asked how the semester was going, and i said that i had resigned from UL. his reaction was "oohhh... Hey guys, how are you folks doing today?" shifting attention to some people who had just walked up. now, he was the person greeting people to the church, so this is kind of misleading, but that's exactly how it looked to me.

extreme 2:
this guy that used to work at pack and paddle came in the store today. he's been in enough times for me to know him and vice versa. so we were talking about stuff. he teaches spanish at an elementary school. anyway, he asked how school was going or whatever. and i said "well, it's not right now..." he didn't even wait for me to finish my sentance. he just put his hand up (in the high-5 pose) and said "that's right! live your life!"

i mean, that's probably the most encouraging thing anyone has ever said to me. that i can remember at least.

/* for some unknown reason, i sometimes act as if i'm in a movie. or as if someone is watching me.
it's mostly unconscious, but i'll realize it and say "how long have i been doing that?"
i don't mean that i'll spout incredibly passionate lines about the cruelty of the world when no one is watching. rather, i think to myself "man, what i'm doing right now would look so cool if someone was actually watching me!"
i guess it's just another outlet for my overactive imagination.
whatever.
it amuses me to think about. whenever i catch myself, it's always good for a quick laugh.
i tend to wonder if i'm the only person who does strange things like this.

oh yea. i also have converstaions with myself.
not out loud, just in my head. entire conversations.
sometimes there are other people that i'm conversing with.
those are the really interesting ones.

i also wonder what people see when they look at me.
it's rather hard to get that impression from just looking in a mirror because i already know what i look like. (actually, i don't look in mirrors very often, so i sometimes catch myself off guard when i see me...)
what kind of impressions do people get about me from first glance?
is it anything like i actually am? */

"i was watching BET one night, and they were interviewing a man about jazz music. he said jazz music was invented by the first generation out of slavery. i thought that was beautiful because, while it is music, it is very hard to put on paper; it is so much more a language of the soul. it is as if the soul is saying something, something about freedom. i tink CHristian spirituality is like jazz music. i think loving Jesus is something you feel. i think it is something very difficult to get on paper. but it is no less real, no less meaningful, no less beautiful.
The first generation out of slavery invented jazz music. it is a music birthed out of freedom. and that is the closest thing i know to Christian spirituality. a music birthed out of freedom. everybody sings their song the way they feel it, and everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands."

-Blue Like Jazz



i hope you guys read this book. it is really an amazing book. i finished it just now. that was almost the end.
it's quite beautiful.



ok so i've also started 2 new blogs. one for thoughts on music and art and stuff, and one for my environmental rants. check 'em out yo
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"i read a book a long time ago about Mother Teresa. Somebody in the book asked her how she summoned the strength to love so many people.
She said she loved people because
they are Jesus,
each one of them is Jesus,
and this is true because it says so in the Bible.
And it is also true that this idea contradicts the facts of reality.
Everydody can't be Jesus.
There are many ideas within Christian spirituality that contradicts the facts of reality as i understand them. A statement like this offends some Christians because they believe if aspects of their faith do not obey the facts of reality, they are not true.
But i think there are all sorts of things our hearts believe that don't make any sense to our heads.
Love, for instance; we believe in love.
Beauty.
Jesus as God."
-Blue Like Jazz



i will definately say that i struggle with this. i don't love everybody. i don't even love the majority of everybody. i am entirely too judgemental to love people. someone will walk through the door at the big P&P, and it'll take me about 10 seconds to place them in a catagory. and i hate that. because close to half of the time, it's not a good catagory to be in.
in my defense, i suppose it's not so much that i dislike them as a person, i just dislike aspects of their personality or lack of common sense. i like common sense. i like it when someone doesn't ask me where the Crocs are when they're standing right next to them. i like it when they listen to me when i tell them that the mediums are on this row with the orange tags. no. don't look on the bottom row. do you see any orange tags on the bottom row? *swift kick to the face*
ok. not really.
so please, if you ever come into P&P, just do yourself a favor, and don't ask me if we have "those croc shoes" or where they are. just look to your left. they'll be there.
they don't walk away very often.

"The thing about [buying] new things is you feel new when you buy then, you feel as though you are somebody different because you own something different.
We are our possessions, you know.
There are people who get addicted to buying new stuff.
Things.
Piles and piles of things.
But the new things become old things so quickly.
We need new things to replace the old things.

I like things with buttons."

-Blue Like Jazz


it's entirely true. for the last week or so, i've been thinking that i need a new computer. i really don't need a new computer. i mean, sure it would go faster and all, but honestly not enough faster to justify $700 that could be better used elsewhere.
i think i've almost convinced myself that i really don't need a new computer.
almost.

very difficult in town. too many cars and other distractions. stupid customers. i mean, it's not like it's my job or anything....

"if loving other people is a little bit of heaven then certainly isolation is a bit of hell, and to that degree, here on earth, we decide in which state we would like to live.
Rick told me, a little later, that i should be living in community. He said i should have people around bugging me and getting under my skin because without people i could not grow- i could not grow in God, and i could not grow as a human. We are born into families, he said, and we are needy at first as children because God wants us together, living among one another, not hiding ourselves under logs like fungus. You are not a fungus, he told me, you are a human, and you need other people in your life in order to be healthy."
-Blue Like Jazz

work was long and boring, but after, i reconciled with an old friend, and found a great group of people. those few hours definately made it a wonderful day!