something like laughter

so i was thinking yesterday that one could easily find out what mood i'm in while i'm at work using these simple guidelines as to how i answer the phone:

"good afternoon, pack and paddle, this is jamie, how may i help you today?"
wow. you just caught me in the absolute best mood of my life.
"afternoon, pack and paddle, this is jamie"
i'm having a pretty good day so far.
"afternoon, pack and paddle"
this is normal.
"pack and paddle"
we're either pretty busy and i have better things to do than be on the phone, or my day recently started going downhill (or its been going downhill for awhile. different voice inflections would help determine the moods within this answer).
"pack and paddle, what the hell do you want?"
you'll never get this, but i'm definately thinking it sometimes.
"pack and paddle, go fuck a food processor."
hehe this one just makes me giggle.

Donald Miller.
what can i say?
if you haven't read anything by him (Blue Like Jazz), go buy something. now. and read it. right now.
don't even finish this blog.
it'll still be here when you get back.

"Houston is no city for a guy like Paul; he doesn't fit. Time moves quickly here; people are in a panic to catch up. Paul exists within time but is hardly aware of how it passes. I check my wrist every ten minutes out of habit, and I don’t think he’s ever owned a watch. He is a minimalist. Everything he needs is in this van. His gear includes a tool box, a camping stove, a backpack, and about ten Louis L’Amour books. I think he has a pair of jeans, some shorts, and tennis shoes stuffed behind the seat, but nothing more except the clothes he is wearing. He is living proof that you can find contentment outside the accumulation of things. The closest I’ve come tot his sort of thinking was pondering the writings of Hand Thoreau. But I went to Walden Pond a year ago, just to see and feel the place, just to walk alone around the water, and they’ve made a suburb out of it. It hurts to hear the traffic rolling in through the trees. People commute from the land of Thoreaus’ solitude to Boston, to work at banks, to work at law firms. And I wonder if Walden exists anymore.

I am not talking about the real Walden, the one in Boston; I am talking about the earth God meant to speak before we finished His sentence."

so i'll just get right to it.
sometimes i doubt God.
not really doubt His power.
rather, i doubt His existance.
i look at the (seeming) chaos in the world, the endless series of meetings and partings; the heartbreaks and desires; pure hatred, and pure love; everythings else that makes up our world and the different cultures within it.
i don't understand how all this can be orchestrated.
it seems so random and unscripted.
i doubt that God is behind it.

then, in the midst of this doubt, i see that it could not possibly be this complicated if He wasn't in it.

rather, not that it couldn't be so complicated, but that it wouldn't fit together the way it does.

the way that a lost (in every sense of the word) friend found her way back into my life through someone i didn't think i'd ever see again.
the way that one group of friends are connected to another group of friends through people i would never imagine.

i suppose it's a bit of a paradox.
i suppose i'm not giving Him enough credit.
i assume that since my finite mind can't even comprehend more than say, twenty relationships at a time, He orchestrates {[i was going to say 6.6 billion, that that number is very inaccurate, since each person can have hundreds of relationships each. i think. i really can't even comprehend it. if person A knows 20 people, and person B knows 20 people, but person A and Person B know each other, then.. um.... *head explodes*]} ... YOU SEE?! i can't even understand the number of relationships between 20 people!

damn. that's one big God.

so i would assume that most of the people who actually read this know that i'm in Limestone, Maine right now. and in case anyone didn't know that... i'm in Limestone, Maine right now.
yeah.
anywho.
when i say that there is no one up here, i want you to completely understand what i mean. the population of Limestone is around 2,000. to give that statement a little sense of perspective, the population of Lafayette is 190,000.
the closest largest city to Limestone is Caribou, which has a population around 8,000. and that's around 20 miles away.
k, so Limestone=2,000 peoples. i'm currently on an abandoned airforce base north of Limestone. key word being abandoned. i think like 50 people live within 5 miles of this place.
part of this place being abandoned is that there used to be appartment complexes just ouside of where im staying, but they got demolished when the base closed 10 years ago, so now it's just open fields with roads going through them. and nothing around (hopefully by now when i say nothing you have a good idea that i truly, honestly mean NOTHING)

i went out to look at the stars last night.

words cannot describe.
awe-inspiring, amazing, astounding, beautiful, these words are meaningless compared to what i saw.
i could see the Milky Way like it was a cloud stretching across the sky.
between the clean air, the fact that i couldn't even see the light haze of any cities, and the nearest source of light being about .5 miles away in the form of a street lamp, it was just *sigh*

and to make the picture complete, i was talking to Tara on the phone.
i don't think it could have been any better.

except that i was paranoid that someone would jump out from one of the fields and kill me.
but that's normal, right?
>.<

{when i look at the stars, i see Someone else}

so something that i thought of the other day:

it is generally accepted that animals don't have souls.
this is usually explained by the fact that if they did, they don't have the mental capacity to accept Christ, so they'd all go to hell.
so what i started thinking was that animals don't sin.
metaphysically speaking, they're perfect.
(no, tara, they're not Jesus) ;-)
so really, just kinda chew on that.


something else i was thinking of:

there's a FIF song that says something like "when i was faithless, He still died for me"
this seems innocent enough, right? and it's not just them. i've heard some variation on this elsewhere, like everywhere. so that statment is considered true.
but we also consider it true that God is not bound by time. He views the entirety of human history in one glance. kindof like if the existance of the universe is a yardstick that i (god) am looking at from across the room. (this is also good for explaining predestination; God knows whether or not i'll "accept" Him, but it's still my choice whether or not i will)
so ok, if God is not bound by time, then there is no "before" or "after" anything for Him.
following me so far?
so if, according to God's sense of perception, there is no such thing as "before" i was a Christian, then i was always saved in His eyes.
if we follow that line of thought to its logical end, did He really die for the people who would never accept Him?

so i realize that one takes a little more creative thought, and it's honestly not all that important, but you gotta admit, it makes for some pretty interesting thinking action

i have this thing while i'm at work: i like to guess things about people. for instance, when a couple comes in, i try to guess (without looking at the hands) whether they are dating or married. or when 2 females come in, i try to guess whether they are just friends or a couple.
so i was at work the other day, and this guy and girl come in, and they're looking around and joking around and stuff. generally looking like they were having a great time cutting up and etc.
without realizing it, i caught myself thinking "hmmm yeah these guys must not be married. i mean, look at how much fun they're having together." and then i realized what i just thought.

damn. really?
is that the first idea i have about marrage?
that if people are happy together, they must not be married?
if they're not arguing they must be dating?
i mean, this is a sad, sad thing.

but looking at it, i can't think of a particular instance that i would have contracted this idea from. i mean, (aside from this one couple i know... (and no, neither of them would be reading this)) it's not like any of the married couples i know spend all the time fighting.
so where would i have picked this up from?

so anyway, yeah. that really disturbed me.

who are we, oh the sinners that we are
who are we to pray, to pray for our comrades in arms?
blind praying for blind
ask for some light
ask for sight
we are worthy in Him.